Tohfa

My name is Tohfa Al Aaraj, I was born in 1974 and I lived under occupation.

I have so many stories in my life, the good ones, and the painful ones, but ultimately pain and grief gives us the power to stand up against the difficulties of life under occupation.

I remember, I do.

I was 17 years old back then. I used to walk to school, like most students because life was so simple. I would reach school and just about the time we start our school day, the Israeli jeep arrives and starts annoying students. I still remember the sound of the Israeli jeep it was so loud! I cannot deny that I felt so scared. They would throw gas and sound bombs on us. I still remember how the gas blinding our eyes and hurting our lungs. Many girls used to pass out due to the effect of the gas. One time we were at a protest against the occupation and its oppression. They started firing rubber bullets and sound bombs. One of the girls was injured by a bomb in her leg and we helped her until the ambulance came. 

In this particular year, I only had 37 school days because they closed our school. They aimed to produce an ignorant and uneducated generation. We would stay at home for months until they resume it and then close it again. That was our life! However, our teachers used to teach from home, especially for younger students. Despite everything, we were determined to get an education. This was our way to say that we are still standing and we still exist.

This year was our final year at high school. I went to school to get my results and I found out I did not pass, so was my friend. She cried a lot, but I did not. I went home thinking about how I am going to tell my mother. With a heavy walk, I reached home finding only my little sister. I knew my mom was waiting for my results. She had a small sewing machine and I used to give her a hand working on it. I did not have the bravery to go and tell her I failed. My mom wanted me to pass the class, but I disappointed her. I remember when I told her I started crying, I was so sad because I was the reason cause her pain. I cried a lot so she came to me and said: “You silly! So, you are going to retake this year, that’s fine dear.” But I decided I don’t want to retake it, I didn’t want to study. 

Time passed with me sitting home doing nothing. I lived in a small rented house with no water system. We used to get water from the well. We had only one room; it was our living room and our kitchen. It was nice despite its size and it was filled with love. I spent most of my childhood at this house. However, when we grew up and had to find a bigger house, so my parents decided to build a house. We owned a piece of land in our village Al-Walajah. I dreamed about living in our own house and having my own room and a big house, but the occupation destroyed it. They had demolished our home that I saw being built one brick at a time.

A day that I will never forget came; my mom was sewing when my dad came saying, ”they are going to destroy the house right now.” My mom asked, ”what are you saying!! Which house?” My dad answered, ”our house!” I was listening and I could not believe my ears, I thought I was dreaming! We went to see the bulldozer demolishing both our house and my dream. My mom went there, but there were too many soldiers. I still feel the tears on my cheeks. The bitterness filled up my heart to the extreme. I wish that God takes revenge on them. We went back home destroyed after what happened.

Days had passed on and we rebuilt our house, against their will. However, we built the new house next to the destroyed one because we did not have money to clean the remains of the old one. One day my friend came to me and said why wouldn’t you come and work with us. She works in a tailor shop. I expected my mom to refuse because she already had a sewing machine, but she said yes, and that was a turning point in my life. There I met my lifetime friend; she had a big role in changing my life. A new story and a new challenge began.

I never dreamed I would get into university, and just the thought of it felt like a faraway dream that will never come true because I did not like studying. She was a source of encouragement, which gave me strength and determination to change my life and not give up on the first obstacle. Moreover, she told me I have to fight and challenge circumstances to do something valuable with my life. It was not easy, but the taste of victory when you conquer all the expectations of your failure and prove to yourself and them that “you can”.

It was an awesome feeling the day I got my result and I passed! I could not believe, all I thought of was my mom I wanted to make her happy. I succeeded, yes, I did not expect it, but I did it. I arrived home, my heartbeats could be heard from kilometers. I started calling my mom; “Mom, mom, I did it, I succeeded!” hugged her and cried. Although I did get a high average, I was extremely satisfied.

Thank God, I was able to join the university. I used to work and study at the same time because life was difficult. I graduated from college and applied for a job, but it didn’t happen. I got a call from my friend asking about me, I told her I was looking for a job. She told me to apply to the ministry of education for a substitute teacher vacancy. Indeed, that has happened, they called me the next day to start my first day of work. 

It was a rough start for me at work because of the violations of occupation. They never left us alone. I was supposed to be at work at 7:30 am, it was cold November, and they locked the entrance of the village. Moreover, no cars were allowed to go in nor out of the village. It was very hard to find a car to drive me to work. I had to wake up early in the morning and walk in the darkness through pine trees, down the road to get to school. I can never forget the fear I felt walking in the darkness alone. However, besides all the oppression we faced, we insisted to live our life with pride and dignity.

Life goes on with its good and bitter days. However, if the Israelis keep denying our rights and freedom, safety will never exist, neither to us nor to our children. I remember when soldiers knocked on our doors at midnight with no respect for our privacy. It was almost 12 am, I was the only one awake. Soldiers started banging on our door. I went to wake up my husband Mohamed, “Mohamed wake up, they are hitting our door.” I put on my prayer gown and Mohamed went to open the door to find over 12 armed soldiers. 

I felt scared while they started talking in Hebrew, Mohamed told them to speak Arabic. They took our IDs and started looking for my children Atta and Sondos. I told them “What do you want from them? They are little kids!” He replied, “do not worry we just want to talk to them.” I told him they were sleeping, he said to wake them up. I went to wake them, but my heart was beating with worry. I started calling Atta “wake up my baby; someone wants to talk to you.” When he woke up I told him not to worry dear, there are soldiers outside that want to talk to him. 

He went outside and I was hearing his heartbeats. I held his hand; he was almost 10 years old. An army major sat beside Atta and started asking him, “Did you throw rocks? Did you see how someone threw rocks?” If you have seen them come and tell us, and Atta said: “No, no I do not know who threw it”. The same thing happened with my little girl. She woke up and went out scared, she was trembling, and I was holding her hands. Then Mohamed told them: “Do you think we are a control tower for you?” He elaborated: ”if you want to know who throws rocks install your own surveillance cameras or you watch yourself who throws rocks.” That was one simple situation among many other things that happen daily.

Just like the candles that light up the darkness, there is always hope in our gloomy life. The gardens project came to strengthen our resistance on our land.

My story with the project was a coincidence. It was not planned, but god´s will had me walking through this road which took me to another different U-turn in my life I did not discover until that time. I was able with the help, love, and cooperation of the women I met during the work on this project to strengthen our resistance. This project had a great role in my life. It linked me to many good people, increased my knowledge and culture about my village, my land, and the people we live with. Moreover, I learned how to do what I love, to draw my dream, and make it come true. Every woman in this project has brought strength and resistance to my life.

In conclusion, despite our weakness, we are strong. We did the unexpected and learned how to unite until we get what we want.